apple juice

we’re planning to make a bench out of old skis. preparations started this evening with the removal of the bindings:

we’ll see how things go this week.

the day before josh and jane’s wedding, matt and I walked around the property for a while taking pictures of the farm.

here’s one of my favorites:

more over at my flickr page.

just so everyone doesn’t worry too much about an imminent heart attack

monday lunch: bulgur, wheatberry, and apple salad

monday dinner: mixed green greek salad with chicken

only 47 more days of vegetables to cleanse my body

friday dinner – hamburger with bacon

saturday breakfast – nothing

saturday lunch – hamburger with bacon

saturday afternoon – beef jerky

saturday early evening – beef jerky

saturday dinner – steak, bratwurst patty

saturday after dinner snack – beef jerky

saturday pre-storm snack – bratwurst patty

sunday breakfast – chorizo (and eggs)

sunday brunch – ham

sunday afternoon snack – hamburger

sunday dinner – hamburger

it’s safe to say that i don’t need any meat in my diet for the next 2-3 months

it was a really hard weekend. but in the end, it was good. liz deserved two big memorial services. her life and legacy live on in so many people. the memorial service was overwhelming. so many times i almost had it together only to lose it. matt asked me to tell my story about the supernova again. i felt honored to be able to share it again to so many people. it was hard getting up there. i started with a story about the weather:

every time matt and liz came home, we would bug them about moving back. but the weather is so nice in LA, they would say. after spending a few days out there, it’s pretty hard to disagree with that. and so for the memorial service on April 26th, a date and time that should be well into spring temperatures around here, we had snow. yep snow. i think liz was up in heaven somewhere laughing at us all.

the star tribune heard about matt‘s story and wrote about it: Without Liz, but not alone

this morning, after going to church, and having breakfast with my family, i finally was able to take a nap, and really sleep. i don’t think i’ve slept that well in about a month.

liz’s story continues on in my mind and in reminders that i see everywhere. matt came over yesterday after the service and sat down on our couch. the last time they were here was when they told us about their pregnancy. what’s new with you guys, they said as they came in and sat down on that chilly day. not too much, we replied, what’s new with you? we were hoping you’d ask us that, they said. big grins spread across their faces.

the sadness that remains in those memories turns to joy though as i think about all of the things we will experience in the future with matt and madeline. so much to look forward to, and so many happy stories to share with each other when we look back.

it is hard to not feel small and insignificant in los angeles. flying into the city gives you a vast breathtaking view of the homes and workplaces of millions upon millions of people. it stretches on as far as you can see north and south along the coast.

driving on the highways further enhances this state of mind. so many people traveling in cars from one place to another. where is everyone going? the nature of living and working here does not create the traditional travel between home and work. its a giant flowing mass of people heading in every direction.

but

when i think of it in this way, the feeling of connectedness begins to flow over me, and i can’t help but be overwhelmed by the outpouring of support for matt in this time. listening to him tell story after story of stranger and friend alike who have brought him food, bought him gifts, given to his fund. it’s amazing. truly amazing. it makes you believe again in peace and hope and love. it makes you believe in other people, and in this little girl:

i wish it could always be like this. it shouldn’t have to come from loss. i wish that we could see ourselves connected to our friends and neighbors and strangers a bit more often.

community is such an important word.

a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals

it’s one of the reasons that i really love my job. over and above the work that is technology, there is work in trying to teach students about community. we try to teach them to have a “deep sense of social responsibility” — that they are connected to one another in a community. that what they do affects their fellow human being, whether they know it or not. theirs is a generation of people that will be required to share common goals. if they do not, we will devolve further into the individual person. thinking about himself or herself. trying to get theirs. tossed to and fro in their cars. small and insignificant in the growing city.

but

if we come together, as a community, with common goals. i know we will find connectedness, peace, and love. i have seen it with my own eyes.

I thought about these two videos almost daily since i’ve seen them:

this video of Jill Bolte Taylor

and this presentation — new thinking on climate change

she believes in connectedness. he is optimistic that we will come together. i believe both of them.

today, the sun came out after a long period of grey. but I spent most of the day sad. we went to church today and amazing people that barely know us or matt took up a collection to contribute to madeline’s fund. it was overwhelming, again. and so I’m crying, again. nuts. and then the sun comes out.

and I look up at the sun and I’m wondering about nothing, about this tree that is bleeding water, and i can hear the woodpecker, but i can’t see it and I’m raking up the leaves that I forgot to take care of in the fall. now they are decomposing and kind of gross. but the yard looks a lot nicer now than it did before. i want to plant a garden but i also want to sit on the couch.

and the sun is still out. and i found a hole in the floor of our garage. seriously. a big hole. sonja’s car had broken through the floor. luckily I could back it out. the ground is disappearing underneath our garage. now that i have looked at the floor of our garage in new ways, it is clear i should have seen this coming. there is an obvious rectangle of previous repair. six inches from the new hole.

and the sun stayed out all day.